Are You Afraid, Trying Not to Be Afraid, or Observing Your Fear?

Three States in the Mental Map of Fear: I Am Afraid, I Try Not to Be Afraid, I Observe My Fear

Author: Soheila Dadkhah
Introduction

To understand fear, it is not enough to simply ask, “Am I afraid or not?” Many people experience fear, yet they do not clearly know what they are doing with their fear. Some people become identified with fear and experience it as absolute reality. Others try to hide their fear and appear strong at any cost. A third group can see their fear, examine it, and choose a more conscious response without becoming trapped by it.

Therefore, the main issue is not merely the existence of fear, but our relationship with fear. Fear may hold three different positions in our mental map. Sometimes it becomes the commander. Sometimes it becomes the enemy. And sometimes it becomes a messenger. When fear is the commander, we react from inside fear. When fear is the enemy, we fight it and suppress it. But when fear becomes a messenger, we can observe it and understand what inside us is feeling unsafe.

1. I Am Afraid

In the state of “I am afraid,” the person becomes identified with their fear. Fear is no longer just a passing emotion; it is experienced almost like reality itself. In this state, the mind often concludes: “Because I am afraid, there must be a real danger.” As a result, the person finds it difficult to create distance between their inner feeling and the external reality.

Fear takes control of the decision-making center. The person usually escapes, avoids the situation, or reacts defensively.

In this state, the person’s mental map usually works like this: the world is large and threatening, and I am small and powerless in front of it. When something ambiguous happens, the mind quickly moves toward the worst-case scenario. The body also reacts with signs such as a fast heartbeat, anxiety, pressure in the chest, or tightness in the throat. Then the person interprets these bodily signs as proof of danger, and the fear becomes stronger.

Example One

A person is supposed to speak in a work meeting. The meeting has not even started yet, but their mind says:

“What if I mess it up? What if everyone realizes I do not know enough? What if they laugh at me?”

Their body becomes anxious, and they interpret this anxiety as proof of their inability. As a result, they either avoid speaking or enter the meeting with intense anxiety.

Example Two

A person sends a message in a romantic relationship, and the other person does not reply for several hours. Their mind quickly says:

“They do not love me anymore.”
“Someone else must be more important to them.”
“I am not enough.”

While the other person may simply be busy with work, in this person’s mental map, a delayed response is interpreted as rejection.

The hidden sentence in this state is:

“Because I am afraid, the danger must be real.”

2. I Try Not to Be Afraid

In the state of “I try not to be afraid,” the person experiences fear but does not want to accept it. They may see fear as a sign of weakness, incompetence, or failure. Therefore, instead of seeing and understanding their fear, they try to silence it, hide it, or eliminate it through inner pressure. From the outside, this state may look like courage, but in many cases, there is a hidden war with fear inside it.

In this mental map, the person says to themselves:

“I should not be afraid.”
“I must be strong.”
“If I am afraid, it means I am weak.”

Because of this, they may over-control situations, overwork, hide their emotions, or always try to present a powerful image of themselves. The problem is that fear does not disappear by being hidden. It only returns in other forms, such as anger, pressure, perfectionism, insomnia, control, or burnout.

Example One

A person is afraid of professional failure, but does not allow themselves to see this fear. They say, “I must not be weak.” So they work long hours, tolerate no mistakes, feel ashamed to ask for help, and always try to be flawless. Others may see them as strong and successful, but inside they feel exhausted and tense.

Example Two

A person is afraid of emotional intimacy, but instead of accepting this fear, they say, “I do not need anyone.” They may appear indifferent, cold, or extremely independent, but in reality, they are afraid of becoming vulnerable. Their fear is hidden, but it is not resolved.

The hidden sentence in this state is:

“If I am afraid, it means I am weak.”

3. I Observe My Fear

In the state of “I observe my fear,” the person neither becomes identified with fear nor fights it. They can see the fear, name it, and examine it. This person may still experience fear, but fear is not the final truth for them. They say:

“I am experiencing fear, but I do not have to immediately obey it.”

In this mental map, fear is no longer the commander or the enemy. It becomes a messenger. The person asks:

“What is this fear trying to show me?”
“Is there a real danger?”
“Is this fear coming from the past?”
“Which part of my safety feels threatened?”
“What resources do I have?”
“What choices are possible?”

These questions help the person create distance from automatic reaction and choose a more conscious response.

Example One

A person feels anxious before public speaking. But instead of saying, “I cannot do this” or “I should not be afraid,” they say:

“My body is activated because this situation matters to me. I can breathe, review my text, and take the first step.”

They do not eliminate the fear, but they do not allow fear to define the whole situation.

Example Two

A person becomes worried when their romantic partner replies late. But instead of jumping to conclusions, they pause and say:

“I am experiencing fear of rejection right now. Maybe this feeling is connected to my past experiences. It is better to wait a little before reacting, and if needed, speak calmly later.”

Here, the fear has been seen, but it has not become the commander of behavior.

The hidden sentence in this state is:

“My fear is a message, not the final truth.”

Summary

These three states show that the goal of emotional growth is not to completely eliminate fear. A healthy person is not someone who never feels afraid. A healthy person is someone who can observe fear without becoming identified with it and without suppressing it.

In the state of “I am afraid,” fear is the commander.
In the state of “I try not to be afraid,” fear is the enemy.
But in the state of “I observe my fear,” fear becomes a messenger.

Therefore, the healthy path is not to move from fear into suppression. The healthy path is to move from fear or fighting fear toward observing and understanding fear. When fear is observed, it can reveal important information about our needs, insecurities, memories, beliefs, and mental map.

The key sentence of this section is:

Emotional maturity does not mean that fear disappears; it means that fear changes from a commander or an enemy into a messenger.

The Aso, Diso, Meta Exercise for Observing Fear

The Aso, Diso, Meta technique is one of the practical methods for changing one’s relationship with fear. The goal of this exercise is not to eliminate fear or pressure ourselves not to be afraid. The goal is to understand where fear has become activated in our mental map, what message it carries, and how we can move from automatic reaction to observation and conscious choice.

This exercise is best done in a calm space, where you have a few minutes alone with yourself and do not need to immediately make a decision or react.

In this exercise, there are three stages: Aso, Diso, and Meta.

In the Aso stage, we enter the experience of fear and observe how fear is constructed in the mind and body.
In the Diso stage, we take one step back from the experience and observe ourselves from the outside.
In the Meta stage, from the position of the inner observer, without judgment or self-blame, we receive the message of fear.

At the end, we write down the message we have received and choose one small, real action based on it.

Stage One: Aso — What Exactly Am I Experiencing?

Aso means entering the experience. In this stage, we are not trying to escape fear or deny it. We simply want to see what happens in our mind and body when we are afraid. Many people say, “I am afraid,” but they do not know exactly what image, sentence, bodily sensation, or meaning they are afraid of. The Aso stage helps fear move out of vagueness and become observable.

In this stage, choose one specific fear. It is better to begin with a fear that is tolerable, not one that is extremely intense or traumatic. For example: fear of speaking in public, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of receiving a late reply, fear of starting something new, or fear of hearing “no.”

Now ask yourself:

When I think about this fear, what exact image comes to my mind?

In this image, where am I? Who is there? What is happening?

What reaction does my body show? Where do I feel pressure, tightness, heaviness, trembling, heat, cold, or heartbeat?

What is my “what if” sentence? If what happens, do I become afraid?

If this happens, what conclusion does my mind make about me?

For example, a person may say:

If I make a mistake in the meeting, others will think I am ignorant.

If they reply to my message late, it means I am not important to them.

If I do not succeed, it means I am not enough.

In the Aso stage, we do not want to immediately correct these sentences. We only want to see them. This stage is like turning on the light in a dark room. Nothing has changed yet, but what was hidden can now be seen.

Stage Two: Diso — What Do I See If I Look at Myself from the Outside?

After you recognize the experience of fear, you enter the Diso stage. Diso means creating a healthy distance from the experience. In this stage, you are no longer fully inside the scene of fear. You see yourself from the outside, as if the scene of fear is playing on a cinema screen and you are watching it.

To do this stage, close your eyes for a few moments and imagine the same scene of fear. But this time, instead of being inside the scene, see yourself from the outside. For example, if you are afraid of public speaking, see yourself standing in front of the audience. If you are afraid of rejection, see yourself holding your phone and waiting for a reply. If you are afraid of failure, see yourself facing a difficult situation.

Now ask yourself:

When I look at myself from the outside, what do I see that I could not see when I was inside the fear?

Is this person truly completely powerless, or are they simply afraid?

Is the situation truly as dangerous as it felt from the inside?

If this person were my friend, how would I speak to them?

What in this scene needs support, calmness, or clarity?

At this stage, the intensity of fear usually decreases a little, because the mind comes out of being absorbed in the fear. The person may realize that their fear is not only about the current situation. An old memory, a family rule, social judgment, or fear of being worthless may also be active.

Diso helps us move from the sentence “I will be destroyed” to the more accurate sentence:

“I am seeing an image in which I am afraid of being destroyed.”

This small shift has great power. Fear is no longer the whole reality; it becomes something observable.

Stage Three: Meta — What Message Does the Inner Observer Have?

The Meta stage is the deepest part of the exercise. In this stage, we no longer want to only ask and answer questions with the analytical mind. Now we need to step away from analysis for a few moments and enter the position of the non-judgmental inner observer; the part of us that can see, understand, and guide without blame.

To enter Meta, sit in a quiet place. Close your eyes. Take a few calm breaths. Imagine that there is a part within you that is not in a hurry, does not judge, does not want to blame you, and does not want to eliminate fear. This part only wants to understand the message of fear.

Now gently ask from within:

What is this fear trying to protect?

Which part of me feels unsafe?

What need does this fear reveal? A need for safety? Preparation? Attention? Love? Support? Boundaries? Meaning?

If this fear is not my enemy, what message does it have for me?

After asking, remain silent for a few moments. You do not need to create an answer immediately. In the Meta stage, the answer does not always come as a logical sentence. Sometimes it appears as a feeling, an image, a word, a memory, or a quiet understanding. You may suddenly understand that your fear of public speaking is actually a fear of being seen as worthless. Or that your fear of receiving a late reply is actually a need for emotional safety. Or that your fear of starting something new is really fear of repeating an old failure.

Here, the goal is not to say, “So I should not be afraid.” The goal is to receive the message. When the message comes, write it down simply and briefly.

For example:

The message of my fear is that I need more preparation.

The message of my fear is that I have tied my worth too strongly to the result.

The message of my fear is that I need emotional safety and clear communication.

The message of my fear is that I need to set a boundary, not escape.

Stage Four: Turn the Message into a Small Action

If the message of fear is understood but does not enter action, it may begin to circle in the mind again and turn into worry. Therefore, after the Meta stage, the message should be turned into a small action. This action does not need to be big, dramatic, or difficult. It only needs to be real, doable, and aligned with the message of fear.

If the message of your fear is “I need preparation,” the small action may be practicing for ten minutes or asking someone for feedback.

If the message of your fear is “I need emotional safety,” the small action may be expressing your feeling calmly at the right time instead of reacting immediately.

If the message of your fear is “I have tied my worth to the result,” the small action may be writing a supportive sentence before starting:

The result matters, but my worth is not only the result.

If the message of your fear is “I need boundaries,” the small action may be preparing one clear and respectful sentence to express your boundary.

This stage turns fear from a vague feeling into a guide for action.

A Complete Example of the Exercise

Suppose a person says:

“I am afraid of presenting in front of a group.”

In the Aso stage, they realize that their mental image is this: they are standing in front of the group, forgetting their words, and others are judging them. Their body experiences a fast heartbeat and tightness in the throat.

Their “what if” sentence is:

“If I mess it up, everyone will realize that I am not enough.”

In the Diso stage, they see themselves from the outside: a person who is anxious, but not completely powerless. When they look from the outside, they realize that the issue is not only the presentation. They have tied their personal worth to their performance.

In the Meta stage, they close their eyes and ask the inner observer:

“What message does this fear have?”

After a few moments, the message becomes clear:

“I need preparation, but more importantly, I need to remember that one mistake does not define my worth.”

Now their small action can be this: practice the structure of the presentation, prepare the first sentence, and before the meeting read this note:

“I do not need to be perfect; I need to communicate my message.”

Result of the Exercise

The Aso, Diso, Meta technique helps fear transform from a vague and overwhelming force into an experience that can be observed and understood. In Aso, we see how fear is constructed in the mind and body. In Diso, we create distance from fear and observe ourselves from the outside. In Meta, we listen to the voice of the inner observer and receive the message of fear. Then we turn that message into one small and real action.

The result of this exercise is not the elimination of fear. Its result is a change in the position of fear within the mental map. Fear is no longer the commander. Fear is no longer the enemy either. Fear becomes a messenger that can guide us toward our needs, insecurities, boundaries, preparation, and more conscious choices.

Questions and Answers
Question 1: What is meant by a mental map?

A mental map is the inner image a person creates of themselves, the world, others, danger, safety, love, success, failure, and the future. We do not experience reality in a raw and direct way. Instead, we pass reality through the filters of past experiences, beliefs, language, memory, family, culture, and society. That is why the same situation can be threatening for one person and manageable for another. For example, a simple criticism may mean “an opportunity for growth” in one person’s mental map, while in another person’s mental map it may mean “I am not enough.” Therefore, understanding fear is incomplete without examining the mental map.

Question 2: Is the mental map the same as reality?

No. The mental map is not reality; it is our interpretation of reality. This is the same idea known in general semantics and also in NLP through the phrase “The map is not the territory.” In other words, the map is not the territory itself. A person may feel, based on their mental map, that a situation is extremely dangerous, while in reality there may be no real danger, or the danger may be much smaller than what the mind has constructed. This difference between reality and mental interpretation is a key point in understanding constructed fears.

Question 3: What is the difference between natural fear and constructed fear?

Natural fear is a biological and protective response to real danger. If a person faces a physical threat, serious illness, violence, or immediate danger, fear helps the body prepare for action. Constructed fear, however, comes more from mental imagery, possibility, memory, meaning, and prediction of the future. In this state, danger may not exist in the present moment, but the mind constructs it, and the body responds to it. For example, a person sitting at home who experiences intense heartbeat and anxiety while imagining future failure is more involved with constructed fear than real present danger.

Question 4: Why do many fears begin with “what if”?

Because “what if” separates the mind from the present and moves it into the territory of possible futures. Human beings need to predict the future for survival, but when this ability becomes overactive, the mind begins to create threatening scenarios. Sentences such as “What if I do not succeed?”, “What if they do not love me?”, “What if I get sick?”, or “What if I am left alone?” are not just simple questions. They can threaten a person’s safety, value, love, position, or identity. Therefore, “what if” becomes fear-producing when the mind turns a possibility into a conclusion about the person’s worth or safety.

Question 5: Are all “what if” questions frightening?

No. Not all “what if” questions create fear. “What if” can be a tool for planning, creativity, and healthy prediction. For example, “If it rains tomorrow, I will have an alternative plan” is a healthy what-if. But “If I fail, it means I am worthless” is a fear-producing what-if, because it turns a possible event into an identity-based conclusion. The main difference is whether “what if” helps with preparation and choice, or pushes the person into anxiety, catastrophizing, and helplessness.

Question 6: Is lack of felt safety the root of most complex human fears?

In many cases, yes. Complex fears often return to some form of lack of felt safety. But safety is not only physical safety. Human beings also need emotional, financial, social, relational, identity-based, and meaning-based safety. A person who fears failure may actually fear the loss of personal value or status. A person who fears rejection may feel that their emotional safety is threatened. A person who fears the future may feel that the world is not trustworthy and that they do not have enough resources to face it.

Question 7: What role does collective memory play in fear?

Collective memory refers to experiences, narratives, fears, and meanings that are stored and transmitted at the level of family, society, culture, and history. Many fears that a person experiences are not only the result of their personal life. They may have been transmitted through family, previous generations, war, poverty, migration, oppression, cultural shame, or economic insecurity. For example, a person may fear poverty not only because of their current financial situation, but because of a family history filled with scarcity and insecurity. Therefore, the mental map of fear is both individual and collective.

Question 8: How does consumer society use human fears?

Consumer society often activates feelings of lack, inadequacy, falling behind, or not being seen in order to push people toward more consumption. Its hidden message often sounds like this: “If you do not have this, you are not enough,” “If you do not stay young, you are not lovable,” “If you are not successful, you are not safe,” or “If you are not seen, you will be excluded.” In such a structure, consumption is not only a response to real needs; sometimes it is a temporary response to constructed fear. A person buys something or creates an image of themselves and feels calm for a while, but because the root of insecurity remains in the mental map, fear returns again.

Question 9: What are the three main states in the mental map of fear?

This article presents three main states: I am afraid, I try not to be afraid, and I observe my fear. In the first state, the person becomes identified with fear and experiences fear as certain reality. In the second state, the person has fear but sees it as weakness and tries to suppress or hide it. In the third state, the person sees the fear, but does not become identified with it and does not fight it; instead, they try to understand its message. The goal of emotional growth is to move toward the third state.

Question 10: What exactly does “I am afraid” mean?

“I am afraid” means the person is in a state of identification with fear. In this state, fear becomes the commander, and the person feels that because they are afraid, the danger must be real. For example, a person who is afraid of presenting in front of a group may create images of failure, judgment, and humiliation before the meeting, and their body experiences those images as real. The hidden sentence in this state is usually:

“Because I am afraid, the danger must be real.”

Question 11: How is “I try not to be afraid” different from courage?

Trying not to be afraid is not always courage. Sometimes a person is afraid inside, but because they see fear as weakness, they try to hide it. They may appear controlling, perfectionistic, strict, or self-sufficient, but inside they are under pressure. Healthy courage means seeing fear and acting consciously despite it. But trying not to be afraid means fighting fear itself. The hidden sentence in this state is usually:

“If I am afraid, it means I am weak.”

Question 12: What does “I observe my fear” mean?

This state means the person can see, name, and examine fear without immediately obeying it. They say, “I am experiencing fear, but my fear is not the whole truth.” In this state, fear is neither the commander nor the enemy; it is a messenger. The person can ask: What is this fear trying to protect? Which part of my safety feels threatened? Is the danger real, or has my mind exaggerated it? What choice do I have? The hidden sentence in this state is:

“My fear is a message, not the final truth.”

Question 13: What is the Aso, Diso, Meta technique?

The Aso, Diso, Meta technique is a practical method for changing one’s relationship with fear. Aso means that the person is inside the experience of fear and feels it from within. Diso means that the person takes one step back and observes themselves from the outside. Meta means that the person looks at the experience from the position of the inner observer, without judgment, and receives the message of the fear. This technique helps transform fear from a vague and overwhelming experience into something observable, understandable, and meaningful.

Question 14: How do I know if I am in the Aso state?

When you are in the Aso state, you experience fear from within and usually feel that the danger is real and close. The mental image is vivid and near, the body reacts, and the mind moves toward worst-case scenarios. To identify Aso, ask yourself: Am I seeing the scene through my own eyes? Is my body reacting as if the danger is happening right now? Is my mind seeing only one threatening outcome? If the answer is yes, you are probably in Aso.

Question 15: What should I do in the Aso stage?

In the Aso stage, you should not immediately fight fear or try to fix it. First, you only need to recognize it. Ask yourself: When I think about this fear, what image comes to my mind? Where does my body react? What is my “what if” sentence? If that event happens, what conclusion does my mind make about me? This stage is like turning on the light in a dark room. It is not supposed to solve everything immediately; it is meant to turn fear from something vague into something observable.

Question 16: How does Diso help?

Diso helps the person create distance from being absorbed in fear. In this stage, the person observes the scene of fear from the outside, as if watching themselves on a cinema screen. This mental distance usually reduces the intensity of fear and allows more realistic analysis. The person can ask: When I look at myself from the outside, what do I see that I could not see before? Is this person really powerless, or are they only afraid? If this person were my friend, what would I say to them?

Question 17: What is the difference between Meta and Diso?

In Diso, the person looks at the scene from the outside. But in Meta, the person looks at the whole experience from the position of the wiser, more non-judgmental inner observer. Meta is not only external observation; it is receiving the message of fear. In Meta, the person closes their eyes, remains silent for a few moments, and asks the voice of the inner observer: What is this fear trying to protect? Which part of me feels unsafe? What need does this fear reveal? The answer may appear as a sentence, an image, a feeling, a memory, or a quiet understanding.

Question 18: What should I do after receiving the message of fear?

After receiving the message of fear, you should write it down and turn it into a small action. If the message is “I need preparation,” the small action can be more practice or asking for feedback. If the message is “I need emotional safety,” the action may be a calm and clear conversation. If the message is “I have tied my worth to the result,” the action may be rewriting a belief. If the message of fear does not enter action, it may turn back into mental worry.

Question 19: Is the goal of this exercise to completely eliminate fear?

No. The goal of the Aso, Diso, Meta exercise is not to completely eliminate fear. Fear is a natural part of human experience. The goal of this exercise is to change the position of fear in the mental map. At first, fear may be the commander. Then, through Diso, it becomes observable. In Meta, it becomes a messenger. The healthy result is not that the person never feels fear again, but that they can see fear, understand its message, and choose a more conscious response instead of reacting automatically.

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